We are four months into 2016, and it can go fuck itself. I mean, come on.
I'm
trying to stay positive, because I have two kids and need to be
strong. But I don't know if I can take anymore (note to the Universe,
this is not an invitation to see if I can actually take more...please
don't think I'm challenging you or asking for anything else...thanks).
The
year started out with my Aunt (and Godmother) passing away, after a
long tough battle with various health issues. Because she was a tough
broad, like my mother and their mother before them, she never stopped
fighting. And we thought she was finally through it. I hadn't seen
Aunt Judy in years, but in my formative years, she was always there. We
were always together for holidays...and when we all lived in
Pittsburgh, we were together a lot. Then we moved away. My aunt and I
shared a weird bond, in that we both had been diagnosed with kidney
cancer, and both had kidneys removed, and both lived to tell the tale.
And apparently I share other genes with Aunt Judy that missed my sister
and cousins. We both have had terrible GI problems. In fact, I had my
ticket to go to her memorial service, when instead I found myself in a
hospital for emergency surgery on an abscess in my colon. (It's
actually even worse than it sounds). So, I couldn't say goodbye, or be
there for my cousins. Out of all the things I haven't been able to do
because of this hole (next to the hole I'm supposed to have), this is
the one that makes me feel the worst. I also missed my Mema's memorial
(years ago) because I was in the hospital for a different surgery to a
different part of my lower intestine.
Unfortunately, I
also had to back out of a play which I was to co-direct and act in.
Fortunatley, it was very early in the process. There hadn't even been a
rehearsal yet, so they were able to go on, and I expect it will be
great. When I lost my kidney, I was able to finish a run of
"Midsummer," and do my one man show before having the surgery. But I
wasn't given an option here. I was in surgery before I knew it and laid
up with a hole which still isn't fully healed.
I was
also teaching Shakespeare to some great kids. We were working on King
Lear together. I had to step away from that too. It was devastating
for me. But the cards and letters I got from them were the greatest
things I've ever received. That show is going up in 2 weeks, and I
can't wait to see how they've progressed.
As I was
healing, I found myself back in the ER with what seemed like a stroke or
heart attack. My blood pressure was off the charts high. Fortunately,
a catscan and heart X-rays showed no sign of anything permanent. So,
back to the doctor and inexplicable high blood pressure. I'm on meds
now, and my BP has normalized, although the medicine makes me a bit
tired and also moody...which is less than optimal. So, luckily I have
insurance, although the co-pays and deductible have left us scrimping
and saving. But, it could be worse...we have a roof over our heads...
Ok,
so I'm on the mend. I've been cast to play Iago this summer with
Shakespeare by the Sea, and then after that, I'll be working at the
Rubicon, reprising the role of Selznick in "Moonlight and Magnolias."
I'm so excited for both of these things. Iago has been a dream role of
mine before I even knew I would spend my life in Shakespeare's texts.
And "Moonlight" was probably the single best theatre experience of my
life. Getting to do that again with my dearest colleagues is so
exciting that I can hardly breathe. So all is on the upswing, yes?
Tuesday
there is a knock on the door, and the handyman hands me a letter from
our landlady. They are going to re-do our apartment and kick us out to
raise the rent. (This is all legal because our neighbors had flooded
our kitchen last year and the damage has to be fixed and it doesn't
really make sense for them to just do that when they could get so much
more by kicking us out. So, this home we've made. This community we've
been a part of for 7 years. We are no long welcome. Because in those
intervening years, we've been priced out everywhere. My daughter will
have to go into 2nd grade and deal with all that bullshit 8 year old
girl drama without knowing anybody, or having any friends. Our local
support system will no longer be local. And we've all read the factoid
about how stressful it is to move (and to be forced out?). I think it's
somewhere up there with losing a relative and having health problems.
Or so they say. From someone who is experiencing all these things at
once, it's hard to identify which of these is the worst. But I'm about
so lose my shit. I screamed at my phone in a parking lot today. Nobody
was calling. I was screaming at a text message. This isn't normal
behavior from me.
I'm sitting here typing a woe-is-me
blog. This isn't normal behavior from me. But I feel like if I hold
all of this inside me...to be strong...that I will burst some other part
of my GI tract.
They say that which does not kill you
makes you stronger. I don't feel stronger. I feel much, much weaker.
I feel brittle. I fucking hate this. All of it.
The
only saving grace is that I have my family. 20 years ago when I lost
my kidney, I also lost my marriage. I spiraled into a deep depression.
Dark times. But in being strong for my family, I have been saved from
that. My girls are more than just enough to live for. They are enough
to fight for, to overcome for. So, I guess that which does not kill you
makes you stronger, but only if you have a reason to keep fighting.
We
have an application in on an apartment in Torrance. Send a prayer if
you believe in such things, or good thoughts if you don't. We could
really use some help.
Sorry if you had to read that. I had to write it.
P
